"Poorva" is missing...
To the wandering soul within,
For a last few weeks, I have observed some changes happening within and outside too. Some things you realize later on, I agree. Some new things enter into your life, I agree. Priorities change, of people, of work, I agree. But while the simultaneous happening is being taking place, how often you just get carried away? How often you really live that moment with the known "you”? Everything in life has a reason and not everything comes for a season. Everything in our life has some place and sometimes the places are things driven. You just have no right on them. Sometimes you find yourself guilty for many reasons, which sometimes are known and sometimes unknown. You get circumvented with the guilty feeling and try to run away from people who you think are suffering cause of you, you run away from your own self. Everything starts bothering you, the "why me?" feeling is up on your mind. Suddenly you feel everyone around is being so erratic. You hurt the people who are the ones you know care for you and have always stood by you in good and bad. The ones you trust a lot and know that they too trust you. You sometimes break the trust too and it's so painful that the person whom you hurt still trusts on you. You find yourself more guilty...Even after trying to maintain 100 % transparancy,your behaviour is misunderstood. You go on thinking round and round, searching for the answers and often don’t get any. You start doubting yourself continuously. You want yourself to be politically correct always but the trade off seems to be impossible sometimes. The recluse feeling takes up the hold of your mind and that also bothers to people around you. You just don’t know now, where to go? What to do? Whom to ask? What I want?
You see the history repeating signals, so like a programmed action you eventually start closing your shell, because you don’t want that whole gambling of trust and distrust and hampering relations and fading away smiles. And the inertness starts coming in…the feeling of left alone again becomes darker and you go still deep in your shell, searching for a protection like a helpless child. You now don’t want to be responsible for your actions; you just don’t wish to take any stand. The urge of finding answers becomes in vein and you get all lost. You know the complexities of the situation and of yourself and you somehow become firm on the pessimistic stand. Then you start searching for your identity. People consider their selves to be responsible for this situation of yours and you become guilty again because that’s just not what you wanted to happen. Not even in dreams you want to hold anyone else responsible for your own deeds you just react to the situational changes and start thinking will this ever change? Any day? At all? The things slipping out your hands… Can you ever stop this? Again the thoughts flow turbulently …and end up nowhere… and soon the questions only become strangers…
For a last few weeks, I have observed some changes happening within and outside too. Some things you realize later on, I agree. Some new things enter into your life, I agree. Priorities change, of people, of work, I agree. But while the simultaneous happening is being taking place, how often you just get carried away? How often you really live that moment with the known "you”? Everything in life has a reason and not everything comes for a season. Everything in our life has some place and sometimes the places are things driven. You just have no right on them. Sometimes you find yourself guilty for many reasons, which sometimes are known and sometimes unknown. You get circumvented with the guilty feeling and try to run away from people who you think are suffering cause of you, you run away from your own self. Everything starts bothering you, the "why me?" feeling is up on your mind. Suddenly you feel everyone around is being so erratic. You hurt the people who are the ones you know care for you and have always stood by you in good and bad. The ones you trust a lot and know that they too trust you. You sometimes break the trust too and it's so painful that the person whom you hurt still trusts on you. You find yourself more guilty...Even after trying to maintain 100 % transparancy,your behaviour is misunderstood. You go on thinking round and round, searching for the answers and often don’t get any. You start doubting yourself continuously. You want yourself to be politically correct always but the trade off seems to be impossible sometimes. The recluse feeling takes up the hold of your mind and that also bothers to people around you. You just don’t know now, where to go? What to do? Whom to ask? What I want?
You see the history repeating signals, so like a programmed action you eventually start closing your shell, because you don’t want that whole gambling of trust and distrust and hampering relations and fading away smiles. And the inertness starts coming in…the feeling of left alone again becomes darker and you go still deep in your shell, searching for a protection like a helpless child. You now don’t want to be responsible for your actions; you just don’t wish to take any stand. The urge of finding answers becomes in vein and you get all lost. You know the complexities of the situation and of yourself and you somehow become firm on the pessimistic stand. Then you start searching for your identity. People consider their selves to be responsible for this situation of yours and you become guilty again because that’s just not what you wanted to happen. Not even in dreams you want to hold anyone else responsible for your own deeds you just react to the situational changes and start thinking will this ever change? Any day? At all? The things slipping out your hands… Can you ever stop this? Again the thoughts flow turbulently …and end up nowhere… and soon the questions only become strangers…
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